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:iconkoratoshisfriend: More from Koratoshisfriend


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Writing by elousia

Literature by UnicornDisturbance

poems and stories by pPaper-hHeart


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Submitted on
September 20, 2012
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Blood flows from our wrists,
Making our hands turn into fists.
We only feel the pain and sorrow,
Have we given up hope for a better tomorrow?

The rope is hanging from the ceiling,
Helping us end that miserable feeling.
The pills are scattered across the floor,
Maybe we need to swallow just one more?

Others might refuse to see the cruelty of life,
While others try to end it by the knife.
Trying to get out of this cruel dream,
Sometimes all we can do is scream.

There are others like you out there,
You might not yet know where.
But they try to overcome it,
That's something not all will admit.

Every one of us needs a helping hand,
Facing these torments alone is something none can withstand.
But we would first need to admit and ask,
Be willing to take off this smiling mask.
Before we get to help to finally smile again,
And get rid of all this pain.
Hello everybody
This thing was written for all my friends who were once considering suicide (but luckily were talked out of it) or attempted it and survived.
Trust me, everybody who's thinking about, it is not the solution.
If you want to talk just say so, I reply always, but since I'm leaving for Norway on Saturday I might reply late so keep that in mind.

Please leave feedback so I can improve.

Some people have said that mature content would be better, I don't really think so myself but if a lot of people would ask for it I can change it.

Written by Jerrel Simons
Koratoshisfriend
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmagalbagal:
magalbagal Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Student Writer
poems written very well. rope. not the first time i've thought bout that
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for reading
Reply
:icondragonheart136:
DragonHeart136 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
The structure needs a improvement, but the poem itself is a generic to a friend style. So there wouldn't be a reformed style of structure in the poem itself. Regardless though keep up the good work and improve yourself in the arts of the word.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the feedback and I will continue to try to improve
Reply
:iconmagalbagal:
magalbagal Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Student Writer
some times it feels like it's the only solution... i don't even know who i am anymore. i doubt anyone can help me. i doubt i'll make it by the end of this year. but thanks 4 the support. me and many others will appreciate it.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
it's not the only solution trust me on that my friend
if you want I can help
Reply
:iconmagalbagal:
magalbagal Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Student Writer
how?
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I dunno, maybe just talk with you
Reply
:iconmagalbagal:
magalbagal Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Student Writer
mm.. thanks. ok. i'll give it a try
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
so what do you want to talk about?
Reply
:iconmagalbagal:
magalbagal Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Student Writer
i hate going home every day
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
why is that?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconchilling-wind:
chilling-wind Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
as far as improvements im not really too good at writing but i read a lot and i feel as if some of the lines dont flow for the common reader because some have to be pronounced very awkwardly to keep the flow, and i feel it ends rather oddly/abruptly, over all good tho:P
Reply
:iconvampirefreaks97:
VampireFreaks97 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student Writer
Well, can't really get better when everybody always says everything is your fault. Can't get better if you're all alone.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
there is always somebody out there waiting for someone like you
just keep searching
Reply
:iconkaribous-boutique:
karibous-boutique Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconcomfortplz: I feel that way too.
Reply
:iconnekoninja13:
NekoNinja13 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
wonderful, ive been felling like this alot lately
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
are you okay now?
Reply
:iconnekoninja13:
NekoNinja13 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012
not really, but i havent died yet..... so woooow! i guess
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
is there anything I can help you with?
Reply
:iconnekoninja13:
NekoNinja13 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012
naw thanks though, but felling are neutral so if you ever feel like talking to a random internet stranger im here, that also goes for others reading this converstation
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
okay then, that counts the same towards you
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Student Writer
Since you asked for feedback:

First stanza: Immediately I notice two things. First, you start the piece with a line that I have seen countless times here on Deviantart and all over the literary world. Secondly, the rhyme scheme AABBCC so on and so forth is going to be a theme here. My first tip would be to make that first line original, ie, add more description and place. I think doing this as well as breaking the constant scheme would allow you more room to strengthen the writing.

Second stanza: These little blips can be related to by someone who has felt this before (Which is also why I assume you're putting so many questions in here). Seeing as I haven't ever attempted to hang myself or overdose, I want to know what this room looks like. What's the rope on? What kind of pills are they? Why do you keep interrupting the imagery with the use of "we"? That pronoun completely eliminates all of my ability to connect with the character.

Third stanza: Here are some more cliches: "Cruelty of life" "Cruel dream" "All we can do are scream". There are ways to describe these events without using such overused and simple wording. I would suggest getting your hands on a thesaurus and playing around with the wording. I'm assuming again this is another stanza victimized by the rhyme scheme.

Fourth stanza: I feel like this is the strongest stanza of the piece. It's not anything new, but it's the first where the actual idea of the pieces comes into focus. Also, it and admit is a jarring rhyme since the others have been such hard rhymes.

Fifth: Again, as someone who does not feel this way, the pronoun use bothers me. The second line also bothers me, do to the fact that there are many people who have suicidal thoughts who do fight and keep themselves from going overboard on a daily basis. "Smiling mask" is another cliche and the use of smile in the next line sounds a bit redundant. Final line is sort of a weak closer since pain is such an ambiguous term.

To write a poem like this is difficult because there are so many people who have already done so. With the dramatic oversaturation, one has to be very careful to keep their piece from sounding like the rest. I would suggest a massive overhaul with much more description because I feel like it would give the poem an emotional impact that I'm not currently getting.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is actually a feedback that makes sense for once
thanks and I will keep it in mind
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Student Writer
Not a problem. If you have other concerns with other peoples, feel free to ask away.
Reply
:iconlmaohey:
lmaohey Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
I can already see myself singing this alone in my room at night.
I love it :heart:
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
glad you like it and thanks for reading
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This should have a mature content filter. Seriously.

Did you stop and think that your poem could possibly be a trigger to someone who suffers from suicidal thoughts?

How ironic...

There is a reason the mature content filter is available. This is violent and graphic. And it's not even well written. ._.;
Reply
:iconkaribous-boutique:
karibous-boutique Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't find it violent or graphic, and I am a survivor of multiple suicidal attempts, who also self harms. I think my own visual art is far more potentially-triggering than this piece of poetry. The imagery here isn't highly descriptive. Anyone with self-injury/suicidal thoughts has those images in their minds constantly. Reading them is actually soothing to me. I'm not alone. Others are also surviving. I think it's very heartfelt.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am also a suicide attempt survivor. I am also a cutter. Poetry like this triggers me sometimes.

Learn to look at things from a different perspective.

I am not alone either.
Reply
:iconkaribous-boutique:
karibous-boutique Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I think I can see things from both perspectives. I was just trying to provide my own perspective -- I certainly wasn't claiming to be the authority on this matter. I truly am sorry that this type of art triggers you. I was simply stating that many people with experiences like mine would actually benefit from reading this poem, because it shows that we aren't alone. There truly are two sides to every story, and I don't think either is "right" or "wrong." It is what it is. We all use our best judgment, I suppose. I hope you find a path to recovery. I'm working on it, too.
Reply
:iconjiraiyasamma:
Jiraiyasamma Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
dude shut up, it is well written and he was just writing his thought, your argument is invalid
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I never said anything bad about him. Only his writing.

If this (with all the attention it's getting) gets a DD because it's as amazing as you all seem to think it is... I'll write a formal apology for telling him it was written poorly.

Now, I believe I have a poem you should read. I think it might help you sciphon through some of these feelings.
[link]

Have a great evening!
Reply
:iconjiraiyasamma:
Jiraiyasamma Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
I Love this poem because i have these thoughts everyday.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good. I'm glad it helped you. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people have triggers to violent and graphic images.
Reply
:iconjiraiyasamma:
Jiraiyasamma Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
I read these to trigger myself
so yes I'm one of those people.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So... you enjoy suicidal thoughts?
Reply
:iconjiraiyasamma:
Jiraiyasamma Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
no i have them.
I trigger myself so I have a reason to cut.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlashaye:
Lashaye Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh shut up jeez...nothing better to do then criticize someone who didn't even ask for a critique?
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Student Writer
I would like to point out that when you release your writing on a site like this, you are inviting everyone to comment and critique as they feel necessary.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I never said anything bad about him. Only his writing.

If this (with all the attention it's getting) gets a DD because it's as amazing as you all seem to think it is... I'll write a formal apology for telling him it was written poorly.

Now, I believe I have a poem you should read. I think it might help you sciphon through some of these feelings.
[link]

Have a great evening!
Reply
:iconangeljamie93:
AngelJamie93 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
The final line should be "rid of all this pain" and the 3rd to last line should be "take off this smiling mask".. other than those grammatical errors.. it's pretty good.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
that first one was actually correct first, but then I changed it thinking it was wrong xD
Reply
:iconticlo7:
ticlo7 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Student General Artist
It's very beautiful yet sadly true. I'm sure it's very easy for many to relate to, although I myself can only truely relate to the first 3 stanzas. It's quite hard to see the light of things when you're at the bottom of the pit.

Anyway, I'm sure several people have said this but some lines sound a bit juttery. Perhaps, if you're not English/American, you could find somebody who is to read it over and see if it flows. Just a suggestion if you need help! :)
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah I know about the last part, I sometimes let a few people pre read it (some of them American and some British) but they never mention anything about it
Reply
:iconnpm98:
Npm98 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I might actually write some riffs and turn this into a full-on metal song someday, if that's alright with you?
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
sure but make sure to give me a link then
Reply
:icongreenygrounds:
GreenyGrounds Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
Thankyou for writing all of these inspiring poems, they are beautiful and they fortify me. Thankyou.
Reply
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