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February 13, 2013
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Love consists out of pain
Love consists out of desire
Love is what I admire
Love always fights against my brain

Love is despising
Love is passion
Love is not a piece of fashion
Love is always surprising

None of these things are untrue
Love is enough to make one weep
That is love as it seems

Yet when I think of  you
I simply can’t fall asleep
Since life is finally better, than in my own dreams
Reason for uploading this:
Valentines day?
No, it's my DA anniversary soon so I thought I should at least upload something.
Recovering from a writer's block so this clearly is not the best work, however, I am working on two better ones to be uploaded somewhere around this week.
Also one of my best friends birthday is on the 15th please give say happy (early) birthday to her if you have the time.

Please leave feedback.

Written by Jerrel Simons
© :iconkoratoshisfriend:


“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss
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:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it's amazing!!  And I LOVE that quote!! Another of my favorites by him is "We are a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them, and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love" Great job!
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:iconforbravery:
forbravery Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Writer
A better, fairer critique:

You have this concept of love, and I appreciate how you do not simply ignore all of the negative aspects of being in love while emphasizing the good things about it, because love can really suck, depending on the situation.

Something interesting about your poem was the line "love is not a piece of fashion", which of course rhymes with passion, fitting your pattern and technique for the first half of the piece. I like this line but I don't know how to respond to it, because I believe that sometimes love is very much fashionable, and people broadcast how fashionable it is through expensive marriages and frequently posting pictures on social networking sites. At the same time, it is unlike fashion because true love shouldn't simply "go out of style" so to speak, so I really liked the line.

You stick with the rhyme scheme and then deviate from it towards the end, transitioning into a different scheme. The transition is unexpected but pleasant because it makes the piece feel not generic like love poems frequently tend to be.

It is a sweet poem, I hope that whoever this is directed towards knows how much you love them, and how lucky they are.

I read a poem once about how the only people who live forever are those who fall in love with poets and writers, because their lover will write about them and the poetry or prose will stay with the world long after both of them have passed away. It was kind of romantic.
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:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so very much
Do you have any tips on how I can improve?
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:iconiastartov:
IAstartov Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
I like how it begins. I like when rhyme creates rhythm (or if there is only rhythm in the case of free verse), it makes a poem melodic a little bit, makes it sound like a whole, changing a little, jumping like boat floating from one wave to another. But then it breaks (from the "Love is always surprising"), jumping too strong. And it doesn't look like whole, I think.
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:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I see, thanks for the tip
I would try to alter it but I think since quite some people have already read it so it would kind of be wrong to them to suddenly change it.
However, I will keep it in mind for when I am writing something else. ^^
Thank you again
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:iconiastartov:
IAstartov Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013
Well, it's just my opinion and others may think different. :)
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:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay ^^
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:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Student Digital Artist
wow this is amazing mate! :3 your poems are really nice x)
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:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
glad you like it ^^
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:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
^^
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