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Submitted on
February 13, 2013
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Love consists out of pain
Love consists out of desire
Love is what I admire
Love always fights against my brain

Love is despising
Love is passion
Love is not a piece of fashion
Love is always surprising

None of these things are untrue
Love is enough to make one weep
That is love as it seems

Yet when I think of  you
I simply can’t fall asleep
Since life is finally better, than in my own dreams
Reason for uploading this:
Valentines day?
No, it's my DA anniversary soon so I thought I should at least upload something.
Recovering from a writer's block so this clearly is not the best work, however, I am working on two better ones to be uploaded somewhere around this week.
Also one of my best friends birthday is on the 15th please give say happy (early) birthday to her if you have the time.

Please leave feedback.

Written by Jerrel Simons
© :iconkoratoshisfriend:


“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it's amazing!!  And I LOVE that quote!! Another of my favorites by him is "We are a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them, and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love" Great job!
Reply
:iconforbravery:
forbravery Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Writer
A better, fairer critique:

You have this concept of love, and I appreciate how you do not simply ignore all of the negative aspects of being in love while emphasizing the good things about it, because love can really suck, depending on the situation.

Something interesting about your poem was the line "love is not a piece of fashion", which of course rhymes with passion, fitting your pattern and technique for the first half of the piece. I like this line but I don't know how to respond to it, because I believe that sometimes love is very much fashionable, and people broadcast how fashionable it is through expensive marriages and frequently posting pictures on social networking sites. At the same time, it is unlike fashion because true love shouldn't simply "go out of style" so to speak, so I really liked the line.

You stick with the rhyme scheme and then deviate from it towards the end, transitioning into a different scheme. The transition is unexpected but pleasant because it makes the piece feel not generic like love poems frequently tend to be.

It is a sweet poem, I hope that whoever this is directed towards knows how much you love them, and how lucky they are.

I read a poem once about how the only people who live forever are those who fall in love with poets and writers, because their lover will write about them and the poetry or prose will stay with the world long after both of them have passed away. It was kind of romantic.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so very much
Do you have any tips on how I can improve?
Reply
:iconiastartov:
IAstartov Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
I like how it begins. I like when rhyme creates rhythm (or if there is only rhythm in the case of free verse), it makes a poem melodic a little bit, makes it sound like a whole, changing a little, jumping like boat floating from one wave to another. But then it breaks (from the "Love is always surprising"), jumping too strong. And it doesn't look like whole, I think.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I see, thanks for the tip
I would try to alter it but I think since quite some people have already read it so it would kind of be wrong to them to suddenly change it.
However, I will keep it in mind for when I am writing something else. ^^
Thank you again
Reply
:iconiastartov:
IAstartov Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013
Well, it's just my opinion and others may think different. :)
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay ^^
Reply
:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Student Digital Artist
wow this is amazing mate! :3 your poems are really nice x)
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
glad you like it ^^
Reply
:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
^^
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Student Digital Artist
:3
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
^^
Reply
:iconmonininicka:
Monininicka Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Student Digital Artist
:)
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
^^
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Many good thoughts :)

How is your :iconglory-be-project: coming along?
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
What do you mean exactly?
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
How has writing every day been? :)
Reply
:iconzralok7:
Zralok7 Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013
Very good and very accurate!
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, but did you just comment three times?
Reply
:iconzralok7:
Zralok7 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
Oh maybe, my comment thing bugged, and said the first 2 didn't count -_-
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's quite odd, however, it is not the first case I have seen of a similair thing happening.
Reply
:iconzralok7:
Zralok7 Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013
Yea and it doesn't help not being able to delete comments.. Haha.
But hide the repeats and that will have to do.

But again great poem :) !
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sure thing I will get right on that

Glad you like it ^^
Reply
:iconadam-2-angelz:
Adam-2-Angelz Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Student Artisan Crafter
...
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
something wrong?
Reply
:iconadam-2-angelz:
Adam-2-Angelz Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Student Artisan Crafter
Your poem spoke to me in a way I can't describe. It's like it gave me :hug:
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well I am glad you like it
You can always check out the rest of my gallery and see if there is anything you like
Reply
:iconsen22:
sen22 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Nice rhymes, it's flowing really good.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, glad you like it.
Any remarks?
Reply
:iconsen22:
sen22 Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I like the whole poem alltogether, but I like to think of it as a separate pieces put together. I really like it.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you like it ^^
Reply
:iconradioactiveraccoon:
RadioactiveRaccoon Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013
^^ <3
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
^^
Reply
:iconk-n3k0:
K-n3k0 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oi, wasn't this da poem which I ask'd for your permission to turn into a song? ^.^
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No, this is something else, the one you are referring to is from a few months ago
Reply
:iconk-n3k0:
K-n3k0 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh ^.^; Yeah... it's a lil' similar... or I just have a rly bad memory, I'm sorry -bow-
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay, making a mistake only proves that you are human
Reply
:iconnekoninja13:
NekoNinja13 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013
So ture
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you ^^
Reply
:iconeveei:
Eveei Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
its so lovely <3 and I simply adore the last sentence <3 even if it is not your own created its still fits so much <3 also happy bday to your friend ^^ <3
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well the rest was written around that one line so I suppose that's why it fits xD
Reply
:iconbullcross:
Bullcross Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's a poor execution of the topic imho.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know that it is not my best work, however, I have to ask how so?
Reply
:iconbullcross:
Bullcross Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, I will tell you :)

The first 8 lines contain the word "love" 8 times. It brings me to the thought that the author was rather out of ideas. When I read the first 4 lines I became sure of it, since the rhythm falls in the "consists OUT" parts and the "against" part, making this more suitable for prose, but nobody reads prose on DA.

I liked the a-b-b-a rhyming pattern, but it was not protected by depth. I don't think you reached some significant conclusion about love, in order to make out of it a great poem. I mean, should I read this to know that love is passion and pain and desire, and that it fights my brain?

You tried to bring depth and stun the audience with some grandiose ending (saying like "and then it hit me! Love is..." in a poetic manner), but the quote isn't yours.(You gave info about it, of course). It's no problem to use quotes of famous people, but when the poem is small the weight falls on the quote and it's practically not your work. Having considered the first flaws, this becomes a big minus. Often do young poets try to use the wisdom of others in order to assert their own poems.

In addition, the last 6 lines seem gray to me and the quote seems misplaced. You could have used it as an epigraph, for example.

And all that is worsened with the lack of any punctuation.

Write it in prose, perhaps? Young teenagers (13-14) and depressed older teens (16-17) will definetly like this, since they can easily associate ("OMG THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW"), but I think you should definately rewrite it with more dedication and care in a poem, or completely make it prose if you want to reach a thinking audience. I'd gladly check it out again.
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
okay I will keep that in mind.
The punctuation always had been a problem to me and at a certain point I started removing it since i found it distracting myself. I suppose I can add that at the end after I am done writing each time.
One more question could you explain what an epigraph it (English is not my first language so I do not know some of the more technical terms)
Reply
:iconbullcross:
Bullcross Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, of course :)
English is not my first language as well ;D
The epigraph is the text that after the heading, but before the main text. It's very important, and you could use it for many diffrent things. For expample: (completely random, made up example)

" The dream <------ Heading
To Tina <------ Epigraph

Oh, dream of mine, <------ Main text
Oh, saint of time! "
Reply
:iconkoratoshisfriend:
Koratoshisfriend Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think I understand but could you give an example on how to use it properly?
Reply
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